I Made Laura Crap Her Pants

Sometimes Laura sends me inappropriate emails at work.  By inappropriate, I don't mean pornographic or anything.  You dirty minds you!  I mean lots of curse words.  I feel like those things get flagged.  But I don't know.  I can't be too careful though.  I do work in a law firm.  You know lawyers are all about ethics and morals.

So she sent me an email about some annoying guy in her class.  She was cussing up a storm and saying how she wanted to strangle him.  Haha.  She used the F word a few times.  She even used the N word!  The horror.  In her defense, she was only repeating what her annoying classmate was saying.  Laura is not racist.  After reading her profane email, I was going to yell at her for using such language in an email to my work.  But instead, I changed the subject of her email to say "Automated Response."

The text of my email is below:

This is an automated response from LAW FIRM, LLP. Our systems have scanned your electronic mail to tara@lawfirm.com and have automatically blocked this email and any future emails from you. Words like "n****" and "f***" cannot be accepted by our systems. We apologize for the inconvenience, you foul mouth bitch.

Her response was classic:

OMG! Lol I actually thought that was real until the end!
Aw man you tricked me :( I was like oh nooo blocked foreverrr!!! what do i dooooo!!

Haha!  That was f**king awesome!  Showed her!  See, lawyers can have fun too.  ;)

April Fool

I am not a prankster at all.  Not because I'm a killjoy.  I always enjoy a good prank when I am not the prankster or the prankee.  I rather just sit in the side lines.  Also, I am a really bad liar.  And I can't stand the guilt that comes with pranking.  Because evitably afterwards, I'll feel incredible guilt.  Even though I know it's harmless.  I can't help thinking that we are making a fool out of someone.

My friend from work. Not so much.  She claims she's the best liar.  Apparently she had to lie to her parents a lot growing up.  Haha.  So of course today being April Fool's Day, not two minutes after walking through the door, I get an email from her contemplating pranks on several possible victims.  As you can surmise, we didn't get much work done this morning.

I came up with a brillant plan to mess with a fellow associate.  We would tell him that the secretary overheard certain partners talking about transfering someone from our department to another department within the firm.  That the other department was getting really busy and needed more help.  And it was probably going to be one of us.  This change, if it were real, would have been a big deal.  We would tell him that we think it would be announced at the end of the day.  Then at 5pm, we would reveal the big joke.  She and I planned to go to his office together and tell him what we supposedly heard.

But my co-worker jumped the gun.  She called him about another matter and then at the end of that conversation said she had something really important to tell him.  He ended up going to her office, and she went ahead with the prank without me.  The really strange part was that, after he heard the news, he became all shady.  He said he had something to tell her after the partners made the announcement. 

What could it be??  What was going on??

She pressed him to tell her if he knew something.  But he said he'd tell her later.

Is he reverse pranking us??

But we decided to keep up with the joke.  She told me that it was my turn to go talk to him.  But I didn't want to!!  I didn't think I could pull it off.  Just blatantly lie like that.  I don't have a poker face.  It was just too much pressure.  But I sucked it up and went to his office...except he wasn't there.

A minute later, my co-worker called frantic, "He just went to the partner's office and asked him if he had a minute to talk.  And then he shut the door.  I am going to get in trouble for this."

What could he be talking to the partner about??  Oh, sh*t!

This is why I don't do this sort of thing!  But I figured he couldn't be that stupid to talk to a partner about this "rumor."  Right?  Finally he emerged from the partner's office and told us he wanted to talk. 

Then he told us the craziest news.  He quit.

OMG, is he reverse pranking us??  Did he quit because he didn't want to be transferred?  Holy sh*t.  What have we done?

So he was leaving the firm. Our prankee effing quit!  And he definitely wasn't joking.  So we confessed immediately to the April Fool's joke.  He was surprised and actually took it well.  Because it turns out he had planned to quit today anyway. Today of all days!  April Fool's Day. He almost gave us a heart attack.

Our prank totally backfired.  We didn't keep the joke going for very long.  At the time, it wasn't funny at all.  It gave us a lot of anxiety.  But in hindsight, it actually was pretty f**king funny.  So I'd say it was a good April Fool's.

You make anyone a fool today?  Or did you turn into the fool?

P.S. Huz's co-worker moved their manager's desk to the bathroom, and it was complete with internet and a working phone.  He was pissed.  He even looked at surveillance tapes just to find the culprit.  Haha.  Now they knew who did it.  And the manager's going to take that guy's favorite keyboard and put it in jello.  Awesome!

P.P.S. Google claimed that it changed their name to Topeka today.  What a bunch of jokers?  I wonder how many people fell for it.  Did you?

P.P.P.S.  A couple totally parked in our firm parking lot today for some daytime nookie!!  This man and woman drove in two separate cars and then got into her backseat.  Ewwww.  On a dare, someone from my office actually went out there to break it up.  Haha.  What is wrong with people??

Funny Like HAHA!

Huz and I had an awesome date night. They are too few and far between, unfortunately. I was so proud of myself because: (1) I planned the whole thing, (2) we got out of the house, and (3) it was a success! We went out on the town, ate dinner, and caught a comedy show. We ate good food and laughed our ass off. So it was pretty much a perfect night.

I heard that John Heffron was in town and was performing at the local comedy club. We watched him on Last Comic Standing several years ago and really liked him. His jokes usually relate to relationships and marriage. Stuff we totally get. He is soooo funny. Love him. His jokes are so relatable. His jokes/observations are so true! He made this one joke that totally happened between me and Huz. Here is our real conversation:

Tara: You never ever refill the paper towels! I always have to do it. Who do you think refills it? Why do you think we never run out?

Huz: It's magic.

Heffron said his wife asked him the exact same question, and his answer was a magic elf. Haha! Hilarious. Check him out.

Jokes.com
John Heffron - Stripper Dust
comedians.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

We were also pleasantly surprised by the opening act, Ryan Hamilton. He reminds me of Seinfeld a little. He was so funny that I was worried that John Heffron won't be able to measure up. But both acts were so great. Check Ryan out.

Jokes.com
Ryan Hamilton - White Chris Rock
comedians.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

After the show, they were hanging around in the club. So I got pictures with them. Yay. I'm so cool!

That's What She Said

A simple one line-joke that keeps on giving.

You can be talking about something completely innocuous, and a strategically inserted "That's what she said" makes it hilarious. Yes, I am very mature. I still chuckle every time Michael Scott says it on The Office. It never gets old.

Although I appreciate a good one, I don't pay enough attention or my mind just isn't dirty enough to remember to say the damn line at just the right moment. But I have to say Huz is really good at it. (And so is his cuz.) He never misses a chance when I say, "it's hard." Yeah, that's a giveaway. But sometimes he gets some good ones.

Like recently one was beyond epic!

While I was away on vacation, my mother-in-law came over to give Huz food. She made this cold beef dish for him. When I came back, Huz kept trying to get me to eat it. For a couple days at every meal time, he would insist I eat some. Finally, I yelled, "Why are you shoving that meat down my throat?!?"

The next second, I heard "That's what she said!" Then I saw Huz with the biggest smile on his face. That bastard was so proud of himself. But I had to give it to him. I couldn't stop laughing. Haha! That was awesome!

Blah Blah Blah

I had an interesting conversation with Laura the other day. She was telling me a story about something that happened between her friend and her. This is how it went, almost word for word:

Laura: Then she said blah blah blah. Then I said blah blah blah And blah blah blah!!

Tara: Okay, then what happened.

Laura: Then she said blah blah blah!!

Tara: Wow.

Laura: Yeah, then I was like blah blah blah!!!

Tara: Tell me more.

Laura: I said blah blah blah!

Isn't she the best story teller ever?

She's told me other stories in this same fashion. I'm not even kidding. I have to guess what each "blah blah blah" really means. After these conversations, I'm like can't you give me actual details. Argh!

I have to guess from her tone whether I should be appalled, angry, shocked, sad, happy or whatever. Haha.

I always look forward to these conversations. They are so blah blah blah!! You know what I mean?

The Pocahontas Incident of '96

When I was a 2nd grader, something happened to me that affected the rest of my life. When did this happen? Halloween, 1996. I'll never forget it! Never!

Halloween was fast approaching and I was super excited to don my adorable Pocahontas costume for my school's annual costume contest. In the auditorium, the principle was announcing the plans for the blessed event. I heard that we were to wear our costumes on Thursday and we would have pizza on Friday. I wondered why we would have pizza on a different day but I brushed it aside. I was determined to win this year.

So on Thursday, just as the principle asked, I became Pocahontas, the Native American Princess. I stepped onto the bus, proud and mighty, knowing my costume this year was awesome. But something stopped me in my tracks. Everyone on the bus was wearing our regular uniform. Sure, I'm not embarrassed to admit I shed a tear or two just then. Fine, I shed more than that.. Fine! I was balling, okay! An older boy took me to the principle. She called my Mom in right away to drop off my uniform. It was mortifying.

And ever since this traumatic experience, when there's a day that I'm supposed to wear something other than my regular clothes, I ask double if that day is the correct day. Sigh, and that's my telling of 'The Pocahontas Incident of '96.'

Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt

Have you heard of the phenomenon that is the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt? It is supposed to be the best t-Shirt around! It is magical and bestows the wearer with powers beyond his wildest dreams. Wearing this t-shirt turns a guy from a dud to a stud. Intrigued?

Thursday night while watching The Office, Huz points at Dwight and says excitedly, "Dwight is wearing the Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt." I was like what the hell are you talking about? Apparently, it is the new craze on the Internet. If you look at the reviews on Amazon, everyone is saying how this t-shirt turned their lives around and is a total chick magnet. It is pretty hilarious stuff. It just goes to show you that people are weird and have way too much time on their hands. Haha. It's, however, good for a laugh.

On The Office, Dwight totally got some while wearing the t-shirt. How awesome is that? And the chick he hooked up with was totally hot. It must have magical powers if Dwight can get a date. I would buy one for Huz, but I'd rather not have to deal with the sea of women that would likely come his way. But I am intrigued...

Otto Grows Down

The other day, I was taking care of Tina's kids. I was reading to them before bedtime. They borrowed "Otto Grows Down" from the library and asked me to read it. This book is so unexpectedly weird. It is about this little boy named Otto who had a new baby sister. For his birthday wish, he wished that she was never born. I thought it was going to be the typical book about sibling rivalry. But things began to get strange after his birthday wish. Time started to go backwards. His candles lit back up, and his mom put the cake away. Then he had to return his presents to his friends. Soon his parents brought his baby sister back to the hospital. After that, life continued to go backwards. He went to school in the afternoon, returned home in the morning and then went straight to bed. When he took a bath, he went in the tub clean and came out dirty. Otto was not happy about the turn of events at all. It was particularly distressing when he had to go to the bathroom. Yuck!

While I was reading this book, I started cracking up. The story is so ridiculous. I didn't expect it at all. Rachel and Carmen were sitting on both sides of me. And they were both looking at me strangely. That didn't help matters. I couldn't stop laughing. I couldn't read anything for at least five minutes. I was laughing so hard that my eyes were tearing up. This book is so funny. I love weird books, and it is definitely weird. I don't think the girls understood it. While I was laughing, they were not amused. I kinda had to explain it to Carmen. Oh, well, I thought it was entertaining.

Otto Grows Down definitely takes a different approach to sibling rivalry. All kids can learn a thing or two from Otto Grows Down. For one, the moral of the story is, if your sibling was never born, then time will go backwards until you were never born before. Yeah, that's right. Another one is going to the bathroom when time is going backwards is not fun. So think twice about your little sister or brother...it might not be so bad.

Laura After Getting Her Wisdom Teeth Taken Out

Our telephone conversation after the surgery:

Laura: Mwa mwa mwa mwa...

Tara: Honey, I have no idea what you are saying.

Laura: Mwa mwa...cotton balls...mwa mwa.

Mom (in the background): Stop talking!

Laura: Mwa mwa mwa mwa mwa mwa...

Tara: Call me later when you can talk. I can't understand you.

Five minutes later, Laura calls me back.

Laura: Mwa mwa Tara. Did I call you already?

Tara: Yes, you did.

Laura: Oh...I am seeing double right now. Mwa mwa mwa...

Mom (in the background): Stop talking!

Laura (incoherently): I want to take the cotton balls out.

Mom (in the background): Nooo!

Laura: Did I call you already?

Tara: Yes, honey.

Laura: I called Pina too.

Laura (to mom): Mom, did I call Pina?

Mom (in the background): What?

Laura (to mom): Did I call Peeeennnna?

Mom (in the background): What?

Laura (to mom): Did I call Peeeennnna, my boyfriend?

Tara (in head): Oooohh, Peter...not Tina.

Laura: I called Pina, and he didn't understand me. And I also called Pina.

Tara: Honey, I barely understand you.

Laura doesn't remember this conversation at all. Lucky for her, I transcribed it.

Role Models

I saw Role Models written by and starring Paul Rudd. He is so funny. I don't get why it took him so long to finally break out. That being said, the movie was okay...sorta funny. I am blogging about it because of its funny quotes. Part of the movie is about some nerdy kid who participates in live action role playing (LARP). It is like dungeons and dragons but in real life. People dress up in costumes and engage in a similated war. In the movie, these people are so into LARP that they talk kinda funny...like they do in the medieval times. The people of LARP often make sexual innuendos without even knowing it. I have to admit that I giggled every time. Hehe. The funny thing was Paul's reaction to them. He was always the only one who noticed. Hilarious.

"I shall approach him from the rear."

"I will not let you penetrate me again."

"Now let us gingerly touch our tips. " - Referring to touching swords before the battle.

Bunny Theater

I found the most random and awesome thing on Starz! It's bunny theater where cartoon bunnies reenact a popular movie in 30 seconds. Actually, I saw my first bunny movie a while back, the Pirates of the Carribean. I remember thinking "what the hell was that? That was friggin' awesome!" You will probably have the same reaction when you watch the clips. They are funny too. I didn't find them again until recently.

I'll include a couple of my favorites here. Of course that would include Twilight!


Kill Bill is pretty awesome too. Check it out.


You can find more clips here. Laura and Carmen love bunnies, so I am not the only weird one. Hehe.

Aloha Hard!

I will be going to greener pastures this week. Hawaii, here I come! So I leave you with a parting gift. Aloha hard!



Update 6/19/09: Stupid Laura just told me right now that I spelled "Aloha" wrong!! Argh!

Men vs. Wild

I don't usually watch Man vs. Wild although I have caught a few episodes. That Bear Grylls is one crazy mofo. Haha! I heard that there was a special with Will Ferrell called Men vs. Wild, which aired this past Tuesday. It was supposed to be hilarious, so I DVRed and watched it last night. It was actually really funny, like laugh out loud funny. Will and Bear makes a great duo. They went to the artic tundra of Sweden where it was supposed to be -50 degrees. And they had to hike to another point to make their chopper pick-up the following day. When they first got to their destination, Will and Bear had to propel down 30 feet from the helicopter. When Bear told Will they had to do this, Will didn't crack a joke at all. He just looked scared. But they were able to do it with no real issues despite Will screaming for his mommy several times. When they got to the bottom, Bear gave Will some supplies plus a twinkie in case of an emergency. While Bear went off to check out their surroundings, Will immediately ate the twinkie, half of which was supposed to be for Bear. Haha! How the hell is one twinkie supposed to save anyone out in the wilderness, let alone two grown men.

I have to say Will is so cute. Not "hot guy" cute, but like "cutie pie" cute. He is so out of place in the wilderness. He looked clumsy at times. Even when he basically fell face first into the snow, he made a joke and said he just wanted to lie down and take a break. Haha. Adorable, right? And Bear got along great with Will. He was mindful of Will and took care of him the whole time. They happened to find reindeer remains left by poachers, and the head was the only edible part left. (My husband thinks that was set up for them.) And Bear volunteered to eat the gross parts like the eyeballs and give Will the "better" parts. Will tried part of the socket and jaw. He actually thought the burnt jaw wasn't bad. It was an entertaining hour of TV. Unfortunately, I cannot find the full episode online, but I found a couple funny clips here and here.

Motherlover

Justin Timberlake hosted SNL for the third time last Saturday. I missed it but got a chance to watch it on hulu today. He is actually pretty funny if you've never seen him on SNL before. I still remember the Omeletteville skit and when he was Ashton Kutcher on Punk'd. He has great comedic timing and a certain presence. I didn't realize it until today but he has recurring characters on SNL. For example, in addition to Omeletteville, he has done Homelessville and this past week Plasticville. Check out Homelessville below. It's cute when he cracks himself up.



He also did a second part to the well-known digital short, "D#%k in a Box," called "Motherlover." It is in honor of Mother's Day. As the song says, it is their second best idea ever. Haha!

Peanut Butter and Jam Joke on HIMYM

Because Alyson Hannigan just gave birth, the show had to find a way to explain her absence from the show. What they ended up doing was pretty genius and funny. Last night's episode started off with the guys, Ted, Marshall and Barney, laughing about a joke. In walks Lily. Barney wants to share the joke with her, but Ted and Marshall warn that she won't like it because it's a boy joke, meaning it's really really dirty. Barney tells her the joke anyway, asking "what is the difference between peanut butter and jam?" Older Ted is doing the voiceover and thus won't repeat the punchline. Lily is horrified and refuses to be in their presense for the next four weeks. Haha! I thought it was effective and made sense too.

I found out what the punchline is. It is soooooo dirty. But I will not repeat it here. =p Who do you think I am?

Other highlights from the episode (Spoiler Alert!):
- How Barney confessed to Marshall that he loves Robin: "I...wait for it...am...wait for it...in...wait for it...love...wait for it...with...wait for it...a...wait for it...certain..." So stinkin' cute!
- Marshall told Barney that Lily and he would sit on the same side of the booth, so Barney and Robin could sit together. Barney's reaction was "awwww..." That was what I was thinking.

The Rock Obama

I happened to catch SNL last night, and I don't usually watch SNL. But I saw that The Rock was hosting. I love him. I've seen him host SNL before, and he is actually really funny. And last night's episode was no exception. He had a few great skits. The Rock Obama was hilarious. The skit started off with President Obama in the oval office right before he was to meet with Geithner, Clinton and McCain. Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, played by Andy Samberg (check out Laura's blog about him) wants Obama to get angry, which Obama refuses to do. During the meeting, after one to many quips from his advisors, President Obama gets really angry and tranforms into The Rock Obama. The Rock does a great Obama impression. And he does look like a hulk-like version of Obama. See the picture. So friggin' funny.

The Lonely Island's "Incredibad"

Ever heard of Andy Samberg? He's that guy in Hot Rod (that movie that you never saw because it looked so bad). He's also in SNL! He's most known for the music video he did with Justin Timberlake called "D%#k in a Box." I love that song! It's hilarious!

Well, Andy Samberg teamed up with his two best friends, Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Taccone, and created a comic group called The Lonely Island. They not only make movies (Hot Rod), they make music! They put together an album called Incredibad. This entire album is made up of hilariously griddy hip hop/rap songs, that are nonetheless, really catchy. Some of my favorites are "Lazy Sunday," "Like a Boss," and "Dream Girl."

Plenty of famous actors or singers are also featured in these songs. "I'm on a Boat" features T-Pain, "Sax Man" is entirely sung by Jack Black, and, believe it or not, Nathalie Portman has her own rap where she says plenty of foul, obnoxious things. But it's all a joke! Haha, she's not really like that. It's hilarious to imagine pretty, little Nathalie Portman saying things like, "When I was in Harvard I smoked weed everyday. I cheated every test and snorted all the yay." This is one of the only lines I could find that didn't have a curse in it.

So Incredibad is out in stores. There are hilarious YouTube videos for songs like: "J%$z in my Pants," "D&#k in a Box," "Space Olympics," "Lazy Sunday," "I'm on a Boat," and "We Like Sports."

From the titles, some of the songs may sound pretty gross, but they're actually really funny! I recommend this album to anyone with a gritty sense of humor!

This album obviously has crude language. Please keep it from the ears of children!

PS. It's my birthday today!

The Lizard-Spock Expansion

I was watching Big Bang Theory last night, and it was a rerun of The Lizard-Spock Expansion episode. I am not going to talk about the episode although it was very funny. Actually, I want to discuss what BBT called the lizard-spock expansion. Sheldon and Koothrappali both wanted to eat the last dumpling, so Koothrappali suggested they play rock-paper-scissors for it. But Sheldon said that the game would not be outcome determinative because people who were familiar with each other would tie 80% of the time. So Sheldon suggest they play rock-paper-scissors-lizard-spock. Haha! Try saying that five times. Lizard is displayed as you would a sockpuppet, and Spock is denoted by the Vulcan hand sign. This variation is so darn cute and funny to watch people play. And every time they would play the game on BTT, everyone always chooses Spock. Sheldon suggested they play rock-paper-scissors-lizard-spock to determine who must choose something else besides Spock. You know how that turned out.

Here are the rules: Scissors cuts Paper covers Rock crushes Lizard poisons Spock smashes Scissors decapitates Lizard eats Paper disproves Spock vaporizes Rock crushes Scissors. My favorite part is "Paper disproves Spock." Haha! Anyway, this got me thinking of other TV shows I've watched where other variations of rock-paper-scissors were used. In That 70s Show, Hyde and Fes were playing a nuclear war version, Foot-Cockroach-Nuclear Bomb. Hyde described the rules as "Foot squashes cockroach, nuclear bomb blows up foot, and cockroach survives nuclear bomb!" I remember an episode of Friends where Ross, Rachel, Joey and Pheobe were playing rock-paper-scissors except Joey used fire and said fire beats everything. Then Phoebe whipped out the water balloon and put out the fire. Very cute.

As for the lizard-spock expansion, I found out that it was made up by some guy named Sam Kass a few years back. He and his wife made it up while they were dating and are confessed geeks. And guess what else! He went to my alma mater. That explains a lot. Isn't it weird how you find some connection with a total stranger?

Anyway, go forth and play rock-paper-scissors-lizard-spock.

Barney Stinson: The Awesomest Character on TV

You remember Doogie Howser, M.D. I used to love that show. I never thought I'd see the kid star again. But now Neil Patrick Harris stars in How I Met Your Mother and plays the awesomest character on TV, Barney Stinson.

Barney Stinson is a womanizer who never leaves home without a suit and always tries to get his friends to "suit up!" He loves to play lazer tag. He does awesome magic tricks, especially to impress girls. He works for a big corporation and makes tons of money, but no one knows exactly what he does for a living. He has rules of life by which he lives, like the platinum rule, the chain of screaming, the bro code, and the hot/crazy scale. He also has a blog, so he must be cool. ;) He is the definition of awesomeness.

He has the best catch phrases too. Here are some good ones.

- "Suit up!" There are other variations like "Birthday Suit Up!" "Ladies, slut up!" "Penguin suit up!" "Space suit up!" "Snowsuit up!" "Flight suit up!"

- "It's going to be legendary!"

- "What uuuupppp!"

- "Haaaaaaave you met Ted?"

Below are some funny quotes. Love it!

- "Hey, Loser, how's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome!"

- "Phone-five! . . . You didn't phone-five, did you? I know when you don't phone-five, Ted!"

- "When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be AWESOME instead. True story."

- "Wow. Ted, you're gonna have to find a new gender for yourself, because I'm revoking your dude membership."

- "It's quid pro bro."

- "You are forcing me to be the voice of reason. And that’s not a good look for me!"

- "For the first time...EVER...the three of us are single at the same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to be LE-GEN-DARY. Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to...solve her father issues through promiscuity and binge drinking WE WILL BE there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting "WHAT'S UP NEW YORK!!," we will be what is 'up' New York!"

- "Look at you, ya beautiful bastard! You suited up! This is totally going in my blog!"