Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Here's "The Situation"

A couple followers had been asking for a Jersey Shore post like forever ago. Laura kept saying that she would do it, but we all know she sucks! This post is way overdue because the first season had already ended. But you can catch marathons on MTV.

Anyway, I love this show! It is bad TV at its best. These people are the most ridiculous characters, and I love each and every one of them from their crazy hair down to their Fred Flintstone toes. They are too good to be real. But man, they are real, unfortunately for society and fortunately for me.

Everyone kept telling me that I had to check out Jersey Shore. I hadn't watched MTV in years and frankly didn't want to start up again. I finally caved and had to find out what the fuss was all about. I remember it was late on a weekend, maybe around 1am. I saw that it was playing on MTV. So I thought I'd watch an episode and then go to bed. During the first few minutes, I was like this is total crap and the people on the show are gross, superficial jackasses. Fast forward an hour and a half later, I watched three episodes. Haha.

Side note: That night, I also saw the most hilarious infomercial for this exercise product called Shake Weight. In the commercial, these women were holding onto this vibrating dumbbell in the most provocative and graphic way. It looked like they were giving a HJ and enjoying it A LOT. WTF is that all that about?!? It was disturbing and kinda awesome. Because it was one in the morning, I saw that same infomercial like 20 times. Check it out here. So my MTV watching experience was memorable to say the least.

Since that time, I think I've watched every Jersey Shore episode. If you've never seen any episodes or heard of the show, it follows eight people who call themselves guidos and guidettes at the New Jersey shore. They are all Italians and live a unique lifestyle that includes lots of flash, sex, tanning, and hair gel. And there is always drama and lots of fights. Lots. Pure gold!

Jersey Shore Vocabulary

The way they talk also puts this show on a whole other level. It's like they have their own language. Here are some of their terms that we should all include in our daily vernacular:

Battle: A dance off between two or more people at a club in which all participants go wild and anything goes.

Creeping or Creep Mode: Seeking girls/guys with whom to hook up. Usually done at a club where there is plenty of alcohol. But creeping can really be done anywhere like on the street, tanning salon, and beach.

Fist pumping: A motion in which you pump your fist repeatedly in the air, the faster the better. Done at clubs when the music is bumping.

Gorillas: Guys who are super tan and muscular, preferably through steroid use, i.e., juiced.

Grenade: The less attractive friend who the wingman takes in sacrifice for his friend who wants to hook-up with the hot friend. It follows the analogy that dating/creeping is war.

Robbery: To steal a girl that another guy had just been creeping on. Doesn't matter if the other guy already swapped spit with her. It's all good in the hood.

Stage 5 Clinger: A serious stalker who you can't seem to shake off. You just keep seeing her/him everywhere you go.

Jersey Shore Cast

Mike "The Situation" - He likes to show off his six-pack abs, which he calls "The Situation." Hence his nickname. His daily routine is GTL, which means Gym Tanning Laundry. He believes that you must always look fresh before a night out, so he showers, shaves, and changes his shirt at the very last minute. He is fresh until death. You can find him creeping on girls 24/7. He is never not in creep mode even after a certain female roommate just got punched in the face. He is a total man whore.

Pauly D - A DJ and also The Situation's wingman who had to jump on a couple grenades. He sports a blowout, which is a hair style that needs at least 45 minutes prep time, lots of gel and hairspray, and a blow dryer and that doesn't move and can last in any situation.

Ronnie - He is the gorilla of the house but a big ol' softie. He promised that he would never fall in love at the shore but unexpectedly felt a connection with Sammi. He committed a robbery and stole Sammi from The Situation. However, Sammi and Ronnie have a rocky relationship and literally had their first of many fights not 24 hours after hooking up.

Vinny - He is a cute 21-year-old mama's boy who has never been away from home before. I kinda have a cougar crush on him. He is the least sluttiest of the guidos, but that isn't saying much. He is also the best fist-pumper. Go Vinny, go Vinny!

Jenni "JWOWW" - Huge boobs, fake nails, low-cut shirts, and hair extensions. Her nickname comes from the sound guys make when they first set eyes on her. She loves her boyfriend but can't help flirting with Pauly D. So she doesn't cheat on her boyfriend, she eats ham and drinks water.

Nicole "Snooki" - A short guidette who wears the infamous "pouf" to give her some height. On the first day, she came on to strong and was "on the outcast." However, her roommates immediately warmed up to her after a guy at a bar punched her in the face. She also likes pickles a lot and eats them by sucking out the juice first. Yum.

Sammi "Sweetheart" - She's a self-proclaimed "sweetest bitch you'll ever meet." She was first flirting with The Situation and totally played him. On the same night she hooked up with The Situation, she made a move on Ronnie.

Angelina - She left after the first episode or so. I don't know much about her except that she is a complete bitch and knows it.

Jersey Shore Quotes

Here are some awesome quotes from your favorite quidos and quidettes. It was very hard to pick the best ones. There are so many good ones.

Vinny: Guys with the blow-outs and the fake tans, and guys that wear lip gloss and makeup, those aren't guidos, those are retards.

Ronnie: I regret that I got caught. I don't regret that I hit the kid, because he had it coming.

Pauly D: We’re beatin’-up-the-beat, that’s what we say when we’re doing our fist pump. First, we start off by banging the ground, we’re banging it as the beat builds ‘cause that beat’s hittin’ us so we’re fightin’ back, it’s like we beat up that beat.

Snooki: That's why I don't eat lobster or anything like that cause they're alive when you kill it.

The Situation: I was thinkin' heavy fire and I didn't wear my bulletproof vest and I just don't know if I'm gonna make it."

Sammi: [to JWOWW] I yanked some bitch's hair for you.

JWoww: I guess I'm single, I don't know. If I am we got a problem on our hands. I'll show my true side ... my true, dirty, f*%king filthy side.

Angelina: I feel like this is beneath me. I’m a bartender. I do great things.

I found a funny clip about The Real Situation:


Missy May said...

I left an award for you on my blog!

Laura said...

LOL That video is hilarious!

Tara said...

Thanks, Missy May!

Laura, The Situation is sooo funny in that video, isn't he? He dies a little inside! Haha.

I feel like fist pumping!!

Laura said...

Haha yeah, the other two weren't acting so well, but the situation was awesome! "I fear my character the situation is like a lone orphan boy lost in the meadow and i know not how to guide him home" Hilarityyyyy! I'm going to be quoting it forevarz.

Sarah P said...

Yay! It's like a study guide! I love the vocab lesson.

Do you read 2birds1blog? They did a recap every week. Seriously? It was so much funnier than the show itself, I just skipped the show in favor of the recaps.

Tina said...

Tara, looks like you were studying up. It's like a Jersey Shore Reference Guide, but I'm still not sold. I might try an episode, but I don't like trash TV. At least I don't think I do.

Laura said...

Yeah right Tina! I've been at your house while youre secretly watching VH1's Best Moments in Reality TV and Girls Next Door!

Tina said...

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Vanessa said...

Ahh.. you summed up the show perfectly. Tina doesn't know what she's missing..:oP